GREENBRAE, CALIFORNIA – I didn’t spend a fortune on clown school just to have my lifestyle compared to the assholes in congress! I spent 8 years in an institution of clown-learning! Don’t degrade my career choice because of some assholes in politics!
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN – Can you believe that? Some asshole stood next to me in line, sniffled, and now the whole store thinks I smell! What recourse do I have legally? Can I sue? I mean my wife and kids were there! I don’t smell! The person probably just had the sniffles! Damn! The bastards!
LANSING, MICHIGAN – I have no plans whatsoever to pursue a career in rap music or anything related to rap music; however, me, an accountant, don’t find accountant name generators as fun as rap name generators. Please direct me towards a rap name generator, yo sizzle.
SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA – Our Father, which art in heaven, give me the strength to remove these ghastly water spots from this plate… For they make an otherwise completely clean dish kind of sketchy! Lord, give me the strength!
WASHINGTON, D.C – It’s a fact that 100% of all Presidential winners have won the important caucus known as the Thanksgiving photo op. The candidate with the most tragic, heartbreaking Thanksgiving feast will win the Presidency. I, a 2016 Presidential candidate, need to show the world that I’m a “human being” who needs “food” to “survive” and likes to “celebrate holidays”. Please help me find some veterans, or disabled kids or SOMETHING.
AKRON, OHIO – Buckle the fuck up. Here we go, bitches. Sit down, relax, and prepare for a monologue on Steph Curry. GOD! HE’S SO GOOD! He’s, like hmm, I DON’T KNOW: THE BEST SHOOTER EVER! Mhmmm, he’s so gooooooooood! I would also have sex with him too.
OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA – I will devote my entire life so someone can use a red pen to circle my face in an old group photo! My entire life’s work MUST be reduced to a circle around my face or I’LL DIE TRYING!
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Hire me, bitch. You won’t fucking regret it. I’ll do anything in my goddamn power to bless you. I will find you, no matter the situation, and bless your ass. In a safe house in Aleppo, Syria? I’ll fucking find you, and I’ll fucking bless you after you sneeze.
HANFORD, CALIFORNIA – I don’t know if her heart can handle it after Dad died. Her mind is really foggy. In fact, last week she didn’t seem to recognize me. I guess that’s why she wanted to zoom in on my picture. Please help my mother. How do I break something like this to her? And also how do I tell her she has cancer? (I should’ve told her months ago! Silly me!)
PORTSMOUTH, VIRGINIA – the mcrib has made an everlasting impression on the world that has warranted it be given a comprehensive guide to its life and history on the most widely accessed encyclopedia of all time, and my kids hate me.
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA – I need all the articles, videos, opinionated community college students you got. I need to defeat my father-in-law’s uncle’s wife in a debate about topical events. I will do anything to make this Thanksgiving awkward and full of tension.
WASHINGTON, D.C – I know you guys think this stuff is for nerds. But for real, it can help your campaign. I’m OK with being bashed and called a queer by Mr. Christie for being such a “computer geek” as long as I get paid. And Rand Paul, man. Listen, I won’t put any of your personal info on Facebook or anything. Don’t yell at me.
P.S. This offer is not geared towards Donald Trump, who OBVIOUSLY runs his own internet persona, because no one else is that fucking insane.
SOUTHAMPTON, NEW YORK – Me and my funky bro James loooove recapping the latest episodes of The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, you name it! (as long as it is equally, or more, popular than Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior). BUT WAIT! It’s actually mostly just us talking about meetup groups for single men, ways to talk to women, and the 20 best parks to meet a cute girl by having their dog run up to sniff you (hint: it’s rubbing yourself in beef jerky). Find us on soundcloud.
AUSTIN, TEXAS – I’m Republican Presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina and I’m here to tell you “War and Peace” by that bastard Tolstoy can suck my big fat conservative cock. 1,000 pages you fucking bitch? I’ll beat your nerdy ass up. You need a goddamn team of high school graduates to read that shit. Fuck you. Carly Fiorina out.
BROOKLINE, MASSACHUSETTS – I mean, I guess it could be about like a relationship, or the cold war or something… I don’t know… The language is super fucking broad and could be about anything really… Let’s just say it’s about my drummer that died from drug OD. Eh, whatever.
CALGARY, CANADA – The stool will make you better at doing bits, it will make you better at wacky voices, and oh boy, it will make you better at smelling like feet and whiskey.
MIAMI, FLORIDA – Looking to be in a haze for the rest of the day as I imagine how big of a fuckin’ thing Venus is, or like how far away the sun is or some shit, or like if we’re alone, like quotes about which one is worse being alone or not! Like whaaaaat! That shit is cray, and depressing.
DETROIT, MICHIGAN – The way you bobble her head like she’s a real person is such a turn on. Your straight, white, male body brushed up against her metal hardware, controlling her like a puppet is soooo sexy.
MIDLAND, TEXAS – We are humor site. Please submit humorous oral history that induces laughter. Please be smart. Please submit humorous oral history that is satirical and induces laughter. Please be witty. Submit humorous oral history, witty smart man with glasses.
LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – For the small price of $80 I’ll have a contract printed up outlining our friendship and my race. If you’re EVER accused of being a racist pull out the contract and say “See! I’m friends with a black man!” or “See! I bought a black man!”
MILTON, MASSACHUSETTS – I’m a well-adjusted white guy from the suburbs who has a good relationship with his mother, and was moderately popular in high school. I’m trying to be sorta self-destructive and interesting, and need ways to be unique, and by unique I mean trying to be different just like everyone else tries to be different.
SHMICKLUS, B1 – We’re looking for a trigger puller on a mass-extinction machine, but honestly it’s mostly admin stuff like signing papers ‘n’ shit, but y’know every once and awhile you might have to utterly annihilate a planet or whatever, mainly just write emails though.
SAINT JOSEPH, MISSOURI – Hey baby, six hundred ninety seven ignored me but I can feel it this time.
IRVING, TEXAS – It combines a popular turn of phrase with a current event and a pun. You must be super funny, smart, witty, clever, hilarious, fun to be around, and not compensating for anything in order to buy it.
NEWARK, NEW JERSEY – OK, I’ve learned how to get free internet on airplanes, and how to survive in the Australian wilderness, but what I really need is to finally forgive my father for my upbringing.
YONKERS, NEW YORK – I’m tired of taking 101s and being a more enlightened person. I’m tired of using my improv training as a philosophical ideology. Can someone just teach me how to do improv without making me a literal God among men?
SANTA CRUZ, CALIFORNIA – It’s a nice chair that I built myself from Ikea, my wife is a whore, it smells like an antique shit, and comes with a decorative pillow.
SAN RAFAEL, CALIFORNIA – I’m the manager at a life-sucking firm that takes time away from Earthlings and their Gods, and I’m looking to get people motivated, and by “motivated” I mean getting depressed at the reminder that where they work is a tasteless underbelly for the failures of America, something like a cat saying a Wayne Gretzky quote or something.
MONTPELIER, VERMONT – It’s called a chair.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK – A business magnate walks into a Presidential campaign.
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY – Right now my most visited website is bodybuilding.com and the Facebook page for Coors Light. If I hire a guy to keep refreshing The New Yorker site, so it can be my most visited page, will I get in trouble?
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – The guy has range! He can do anything! No CGI, no makeup, no nothing, just Idris Elba being a little orphan girl!
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – Slot, slot, slot, slot, slot, slot. Slot. Slot. Slot! Slot!? Slot? Slot. It’s a weird word! WHY ISN’T ANYONE TALKING ABOUT THIS? SLOT!!! LOOK AT IT!
TUCSON, ARIZONA – WHY DON’T THEY JUST WORK ALL THE FUCKING SAME!? It was my first time, I didn’t understand! IT MADE ME ASK MY FRIEND HOW IT WORKS? YOU KNOW HOW STUPID THAT MAKES ME LOOK!? IS IT A BUTTON OR A LEVER!? WHAT THE FUCK!
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Yeah, when I was in high school I experimented with some tabs, and of course college got pretty crazy (I kept Aristotle’s Wikipedia page open for about 7 ½ weeks. I even got on the wall of Kappa Sigma for keeping the dictionary definition of “didactic” open for an entire semester), but after graduation, when I moved back into my parent’s house, something changed… I began not closing tabs alone. My friends began saying things like “Can’t you bookmark that, Dave?” If only it was that simple. They won’t know what it’s like to be addicted to open tabs until their wife and kids are walking out the door because they can’t provide a clean browser for them. Thankfully, through hard work and all of your support, I think I’m finally ready to close interesting tabs about things I haven’t read yet. My advice to newcomers on tackling their addiction: you must learn to love yourself, you must admit your faults, and you must get super drunk every night and get into very violent fights with loved ones about your drinking habits. Good luck.
PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND – We need the extra cash. We have a 6×6 office that was going to be used for handling supporter donations but are relocating that department to a hallway closet. You can reach us via our website. Wait, we have a website!?
WASHINGTON, D.C – We’re switching over to the newest model in hopes of thwarting Bernie Sanders. This model has the most advanced vague, calculated remarks. You can purchase it through a campaign donation of any amount of money… it doesn’t matter we have enough.
LOS ALAMOS, NEW MEXICO – God, boys are the worst! You try and try, and all they give you is 246,000 Japanese deaths, and the ability to cause the apocalypse. I’m not talking about anyone specific, but Jesus, why are people always dropping nuclear weapons over populated areas!? LIke calm the fuck down! I just wanted to shoot the shit, drink beer, and watch some fireworks. Why does it always end up with the suffering of millions? This post isn’t about Leslie Groves, or Harry Truman, or anyone. Just those bastards who cause nuclear fallout and permanent shadows. Anyway, I’m going to become binge, destroyer of Netflix. #depressed #sorrynotsorry
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN – I imagined our life together in great detail, and let me tell ya, it’s pretty great. If you want in on my fantasies hmu, babe. I think you were trying to look at the crazy homeless man behind me wielding a scepter, but regardless we’re destined to be together.
READING, BERKSHIRE – Don’t know where the fuck your belt is? The weight of your life making it too hard to find? Don’t give a shit? Who are you trying to look good for anyway? Nobody cares about you. Buy our shitty unwashed shorts. One size fits all because you’re just like everyone else and no one will remember you when you die. $20 + taxes.
ELIZABETH CITY, NORTH CAROLINA – Hello, nerds. My name is Brian Smith and I’m looking for one of you fuckers to make funny noises in a microphone so people buy my booze. Fuck your liberal bullshit, but apply via our website please.
POMONA, CALIFORNIA – Are you manly man? Can you make fire with stick? You manly man? Apply to job and you can be manly man. Carry all groceries at once. Yes. Manly man.
LINCOLNWOOD, ILLINOIS – So I can either: a) Tell people over dinner that THEY’RE doing something wrong, or b) So I can re-examine my place in the cosmos by learning how to properly eat an apple.
CANTON, MASSACHUSETTS – Hey ladies! And hey guys! And hey non-binary human beings! Ever have a water bottle that you can’t put anything other than water in because it’s a water bottle? Well, here’s the answer to your issues! It’s a water bottle, BUT! You can put things other than water in it!
P.S. Do not put water in this water bottle, only things other than water.
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA – I just want to be understood! Why does everyone hate me! My mom says I’m special!!!! WHY DO YOU GUYS HATE MEEEE!? My teachers don’t get me! Nobody gets me!
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI – Hi. I’m just looking to buy a cake. Not a fucking cake shaped like a train, or a cake that looks like pizza but is really cake. I just want a fucking cake that looks like fucking cake.
SALEM, OREGON – My analyst told me not to give in to my anxieties but my biggest fear is eating a mint too close to a meal. What if I’m with someone? I have to sit, and drink a bunch of water while I watch them eat… It’s a nightmare. Your job is to follow me around and stop me from eating mints if you think I’m going to be eating soon.
BELLA VISTA, ARKANSAS – i’ll be rappin’ ‘bout poorly insulated lunch boxes and having moderate allergies.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – must have seen the invite too late or something. Sent it four weeks before the show but it’s cool.
CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS – Oh wait nevermind… It’s nothing she says.
DUBLIN, IRELAND – let’s meet up in a dimly lit place with way too many people so we can make the trade.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – I’m really just trying to get rid of it, so best offer wins.
INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA – i’m curious about the evolution of trench warfare, and the effects of chemical weaponry, but mainly just want to hear you ask for the remote, because it’s fucking hilarious.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Everywhere I turn… All I see is Hardwick. I’m willing to spend an eternity in everlasting darkness in order to be able to turn on the tv and not see his fucking face. You can rape and torture if I can watch a comic-con panel where he’s not fucking hosting.
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA – Most of them are foreigners, so like does freedom of speech still apply to them?
PERTH, AUSTRALIA – how can I beat it next time? i keep overcompensating
BALTIMORE, MARYLAND – some say it’s impossible so i’m willing to pay the price.
YORK, NEW YORK – need a guy with a black goatee, and a hat for every occasion to tell slightly uncomfortable sex stories while at the bar.
FORT WORTH, TEXAS – Watching the news is boring, but with an old man who is constantly yelling at the screen about Obama or something it could be fun. If you’re over 50, dissapointed in your son, like beer, and own your own recliner, email me. PS. the more you say “liberal” in your daily life the better.
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY – DO YOU FUCKING HATE YOUR SLUT WIFE AND WANT A DIVORCE BUT AREN’T EVEN MARRIED YET? WELL, AT OUR FIRM “HENDERSON & WHATEVER FUCK YOU I DON’T CARE, PEASANT” YOU CAN GIVE US MONEY AND WE CAN FUCKING DIVORCE YOU. OR NOT WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT, FUCK YOU.
MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – You know the guy… With the bandana, and the thing. I can name every other member of the band, but that one fucking drummer eludes me. You know he had that drum beat : shucka shucka dooga doogity doo.
OXFORD, ENGLAND – fo real, ya’ll able-seeing peeps should watch.
DETROIT, MICHIGAN – i’m a 28 year old magician who is willing to give up magic guides on youtube for an interaction with a member of the opposite sex.
LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY – Browsing facebook and some cunt forgot to finish his damn parenthesis. It was like this (can you imagine the frustration?.
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN – just trying to get it off my hands. comes with a stick of dynamite and a clock that reads “3:02”, oh wait now it reads “3:01”. perfect noise for getting babies to sleep. Contact me asap.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – It’s like seinfeld but modern. kramer becomes an instagram celebrity, jerry and george buy the new iphone, and elaine becomes a guest on big brother. you’ll have to a rummage through a lifetime of my mom’s manual labor, hard work, and subsequent disappointment.
BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA – Need a free trial for software I’ll use maybe once to email me on a consistent, incredibly annoying basis about offers that pertain to no one in the entire world.
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND – Found a cute gold ring on the street with two dogs fighting on it, can I sell it or is that stealing? I need the extra money to replace my chicken that lost a cock fight the other night.
TAMPA, FLORIDA – I’ve got clapping gifs, downvote gifs, cat gifs, and the illustrious seinfeld gif. i’m just so lonely
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA – Mother Jones needs investigative journalists! Do you have what it takes? Applicants must have 4yrs college experience, 4 recommendations from previous editors, a strong sense of oppression, and must be annoying at dinner parties.
WASHINGTON, D.C – It’s in our atmosphere and we’re kinda over it. If you’re an alien species interested in rising oceans and crop failure hit us up. Good for mass migration and droughts. Pickup required.
ANCHORAGE, ALASKA – i just keep hitting “remind me later” even though I could easily update it without any repercussions.
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – Looking for 1 roommate. Great old-fashioned house. 2400 sq. feet. Big bedroom, 3 bath, big backyard, cool paintings of old people, modern kitchen, blood comes out of the faucets sometimes which is exciting, pet friendly, virgin sacrifices every sunday. Rent starts at $800.
TORONTO, CANADA – I LIKE RUSH’S MUSIC, but i’m willing to give it up for free if someone can cure my pathological lying disorder. RUSH’S MUSIC IS REALLY GOOD! I’m not just trying to sound smart! But some things are more important.
NEWARK, NEW JERSEY – We love it when we’re trying to play poker and you try to get us to play along with an arbitrary game of “fuck, marry, kill”. needed on weekends, and in judd apatow movies.
CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA – it’s comfortable, but no matter how sure you are that it won’t fall back you’ll still feel the excitement of a near death experience at least once a day.
PARADISE VALLEY, MONTANA – We all know that a homeschooled 15-year old who writes teen-fantasy novels about dragons gets mad fuckin’ pussy. Well, i’m a 48-year old who writes hard-sci-fi and I don’t see any motherfucking puss, wtf?
IF YOU OR A ARTIFICIALLY ENHANCED ROBOT DOG HAVE BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO COMP-SATIONS (COMPUTER SIMULATIONS DEPICTING WONDERFUL SENSATIONS). SEND YOUR BRAINWAVES TO PHLIXOR-9 AND BECOME ONE WITHIN THESE INFINITE COSMOS WITH ONE OF OUR REPRESENTATIVES.
AURORA, COLORADO – I’ll trade it for anything. A broken TV remote? Yes. The day-old half-teaspoon of milk at the bottom of your cereal bowl? Yes. Anything.
TUCSON, ARIZONA – Now that we’re at a table with another person could you tell them that dumb fact you’ve already told me, so I can pretend like that wasn’t the second time you said it.
Chicago, Illinois – I’m a fledgling writer who specializes in six word short stories. I’ve only read one (presumably by some guy named hemingway), but got bored halfway through. Oh, and I’m also selling some dumb baby shoes.
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – your duties will include: complaining about capitalism, posting low-res pictures outlining conspiracies on facebook, and having a disappointed father.
I was about to sit don’t, relax and enjoy saturday night live, but figured I would rather have someone tell me why it sucks instead. If you hate fun and think snl was better when you were a kid this is the job for you.
LONDON, ENGLAND – Looking for a nice place to hang your coat? Well that goddamn hook that is way too close to the doorknob is open! We hate using it because it gets in the way of the fucking goddamn doorknob then I have to push it out of the way and shit, so if you’re willing to pay the price text me.
DUBLIN, IRELAND – it was just so scary… all of a sudden my games folder had a calculator app in it! my heart was pounding when I woke up, but I couldn’t find where my heart rate monitor app was.
TOLEDO, OHIO – spend so much time retweeting pictures of anita sarkeesian that i haven’t had time to look at blue skies and hear birds chirp and shit.
LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA – got a receipt for a game coming out in a couple months, also comes with a lecture from your girlfriend about not loving her anymore, and a speech from your friend about how pre-ordering hurts the consumer.
FREETOWN, SIERRA LEONE – you were riding in that mosquito when I first saw you, then you transferred to that guy’s cardiovascular system… that’s when I last saw you. my name is bill gates, hmu via my charity. thanks, babe.
DENVER, COLORADO – i want people to think i’m interesting so i’m looking for like a brooding outlook on mortality ‘n stuff. i just don’t give a shit about death and stuff. i’m all well-adjusted, and yeah, y’know? and am looking for a change.
TUCSON, ARIZONA – Hey! Are you NOT in the stage of your life where you’re simply waiting for the eternal embrace of death? Do your kids still still think about you? Well “Life Living Fun Fun Home” is the place for you!
NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Your duties will include: getting coffee, euthanizing the homeless, faxing papers, strangling synthetic sex dolls, making lunch runs, and selling your sperm to an alien race. You will not be paid.
RIVERSIDE, CALIFORNIA – I like to drink it when I’m only a little under the weather, and I only use the little measuring cup like half the time. Sometimes i’ll even stay up for like another 35 minutes after I drink it.
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA – I just need something about you to ignore. I’ll watch your movies but I need that underlying feeling of disdain towards your personal life.
SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA – I’m a 56-year old manager at state farm who recently bought a fire-red brand-new porsche. I hope to trade it for aspirations and no heartburn. Call my landline because I’m normally in the garage doing something that my kids don’t understand.
ALBANY, OREGON – WE CAN SYSTEMATICALLY RUIN SOMEONE’S PURPOSE AND MEANING IN THE COSMOS FOR JUST A SMALL FEE OF AMERICA’S CAPITALIST RUTHLESSNESS AND YOUR SAVINGS THAT ARE GOING TOWARDS YOUR DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY PRESENT. EMAIL US AT whoelseyougonnagotocunt@youdontknowshitaboutlawbitch.gov
NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Looking for a suspiciously good looking divorced dad with a sad back story who only speaks in subtext to save the world from a disaster or something. Must be willing to go through an arc, and come out a changed, better person. Alcoholism preferred, but not required.
PHOENIX, ARIZONA – looking for a man capable of talking about every-day things, but making it really about our damaged relationship. maybe oregano is a metaphor for your infertility, or us talking about pulp is really about my hatred for your mother. call me.
GLENDALE, CALIFORNIA – so anyway, my landlord is constantly sucking my blood WHICH I’M FINE WITH, however i keep asking him to get someone to clean my blinds and all he says is “that’s your problem”. What’s my legal recourse to get my blinds cleaned?
HELL, AFTERLIFE – hey bb. just strolling through the second circle and you gave me a look that was like “AHH! THE AGONY!”, but I knew what you meant baby. you want me? rn i’m hanging in the fifth circle with my pal virgil hmu.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – we’re just over it, we give up. women or girls or whatever will be treated as people now for fuck’s sake. just leave us alone.
LANSING, MICHIGAN – got a cowboy, astronaut, potato head, and more. these fucking cunts think they can go around having adventures and shit when i’m not around. the goddamn audacity of toys, man.
DALLAS, TEXAS – Looking to buy a used iphone with a ton of half-developed ideas under notes. Things like “wheat toast war con”, or “vespa key” that only you can possibly understand thanks
PORTLAND, OREGON – Seeking an open-minded female with a non-conventional haircut, and an opaque attitude to play the bass in my band “Electric City Bungle Bung or Turtletat Attack (undecided)”. We’re just two twenty-year old straight white males who had a pleasant childhood, and supportive parents. We’re looking for someone who might start a love-triangle, and/or passionate public shouting-matches reminiscent of a Cassavetes’ film. Lesbian tendencies appreciated, but not required.
clickslist 