GREENBRAE, CALIFORNIA – I didn’t spend a fortune on clown school just to have my lifestyle compared to the assholes in congress! I spent 8 years in an institution of clown-learning! Don’t degrade my career choice because of some assholes in politics!
SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA – Our Father, which art in heaven, give me the strength to remove these ghastly water spots from this plate… For they make an otherwise completely clean dish kind of sketchy! Lord, give me the strength!
AKRON, OHIO – Buckle the fuck up. Here we go, bitches. Sit down, relax, and prepare for a monologue on Steph Curry. GOD! HE’S SO GOOD! He’s, like hmm, I DON’T KNOW: THE BEST SHOOTER EVER! Mhmmm, he’s so gooooooooood! I would also have sex with him too.
OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA – I will devote my entire life so someone can use a red pen to circle my face in an old group photo! My entire life’s work MUST be reduced to a circle around my face or I’LL DIE TRYING!
PORTSMOUTH, VIRGINIA – the mcrib has made an everlasting impression on the world that has warranted it be given a comprehensive guide to its life and history on the most widely accessed encyclopedia of all time, and my kids hate me.
AUSTIN, TEXAS – I’m Republican Presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina and I’m here to tell you “War and Peace” by that bastard Tolstoy can suck my big fat conservative cock. 1,000 pages you fucking bitch? I’ll beat your nerdy ass up. You need a goddamn team of high school graduates to read that shit. Fuck you. Carly Fiorina out.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK – A business magnate walks into a Presidential campaign.
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – Slot, slot, slot, slot, slot, slot. Slot. Slot. Slot! Slot!? Slot? Slot. It’s a weird word! WHY ISN’T ANYONE TALKING ABOUT THIS? SLOT!!! LOOK AT IT!
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Yeah, when I was in high school I experimented with some tabs, and of course college got pretty crazy (I kept Aristotle’s Wikipedia page open for about 7 ½ weeks. I even got on the wall of Kappa Sigma for keeping the dictionary definition of “didactic” open for an entire semester), but after graduation, when I moved back into my parent’s house, something changed… I began not closing tabs alone. My friends began saying things like “Can’t you bookmark that, Dave?” If only it was that simple. They won’t know what it’s like to be addicted to open tabs until their wife and kids are walking out the door because they can’t provide a clean browser for them. Thankfully, through hard work and all of your support, I think I’m finally ready to close interesting tabs about things I haven’t read yet. My advice to newcomers on tackling their addiction: you must learn to love yourself, you must admit your faults, and you must get super drunk every night and get into very violent fights with loved ones about your drinking habits. Good luck.
LOS ALAMOS, NEW MEXICO – God, boys are the worst! You try and try, and all they give you is 246,000 Japanese deaths, and the ability to cause the apocalypse. I’m not talking about anyone specific, but Jesus, why are people always dropping nuclear weapons over populated areas!? LIke calm the fuck down! I just wanted to shoot the shit, drink beer, and watch some fireworks. Why does it always end up with the suffering of millions? This post isn’t about Leslie Groves, or Harry Truman, or anyone. Just those bastards who cause nuclear fallout and permanent shadows. Anyway, I’m going to become binge, destroyer of Netflix. #depressed #sorrynotsorry
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA – I just want to be understood! Why does everyone hate me! My mom says I’m special!!!! WHY DO YOU GUYS HATE MEEEE!? My teachers don’t get me! Nobody gets me!
PERTH, AUSTRALIA – how can I beat it next time? i keep overcompensating
OXFORD, ENGLAND – fo real, ya’ll able-seeing peeps should watch.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – It’s like seinfeld but modern. kramer becomes an instagram celebrity, jerry and george buy the new iphone, and elaine becomes a guest on big brother. you’ll have to a rummage through a lifetime of my mom’s manual labor, hard work, and subsequent disappointment.
DUBLIN, IRELAND – it was just so scary… all of a sudden my games folder had a calculator app in it! my heart was pounding when I woke up, but I couldn’t find where my heart rate monitor app was.
clickslist 